Man shouting at partner
Man shouting at partner

There is a lot of abuse in relationship than marriages. When we talk of abuse, people focus mainly on the physical forms but abuse goes beyond that. Seeking to control someone you are in a relationship with is also a form of abuse which is going on in lots of pre-marital relationships.


One major contributing factor is parents or family. They have neglected their roles as caregivers and some barely give support to their wards especially daughters who are 18 years and above. Many of the ladies at the said age and above find themselves in a relationship not because they are ready for marriage but because of their needs.

And when a boyfriend assumes the position of a parent or father, he wants to exercise control over her, because he is the one taking care of her or meeting some of her needs. If he buys her a mobile phone, he wants to know who calls her, who she talks to and what the conversation was about. She’s got a lot of explanation to do if he calls and it’s on call waiting. Once she ends the other call to attend to his, she is likely to be abused.

She needs to ask permission from him when she wants to step out, stating where she is going, the purpose of the outing, who she is going out with, how long it will take etc. He decides the kind of friends she hangs out with, what she wears, etc.

If he rents for her, he must have a duplicate key and have access to the place at any time for inspection, etc. She needs permission from him on who visits the place or sleeps over, etc. And when she refuses to be controlled, she is subjected to all forms of abuse.

How do you expect the abuse to end when they get married? It will only get worse because everything we encourage grows or increases. Such a man sees nothing wrong with his behaviour, to him, he is protecting his investment. When the family hears of the abuse, they are not able to do anything. Some family members even depend on the man and use their ward to get help from him.

Unfortunately, many ladies in this modern age are too lazy; they depend on men for all their needs and upkeep. If your parents who gave birth to you are not able to take care of you or meet your basic needs, let your story inspire you to do something to help yourself. Use your hands, be creative, get something useful to do. If it requires you sell water, do it. If it requires you wash for someone for money do it. If you have to cook for someone who has no time or doesn’t know how to go about it, do it. If it requires you clean for someone, do it. You are an entrepreneur in the making.

Make it your business, list your services, add your price lists, give it a name. Add book keeping to it. Save for the future. Avoid distraction, plan for your future. Be kind, nice and disciplined. Don’t mix business with pleasure. You can get far with that rather than getting into a relationship for your needs.

With some of the relationship you go into, you do all kinds of jobs and errands for him and yet you are not respected, you are not trusted, you are not valued and on top of that you are abused. You can teach a man how to treat you by what you accept from him. If you don’t depend on him for anything, he can’t subject you to abusive behaviour from him in any way. And when you are ready for marriage, go for someone who will value and respect you, someone who is willing to find love with you.

In conclusion, “The one who stays on the job has food on the table; the witless chase whims and fancies” – Proverbs 12:11 (MSG).